Are you a perfectionist?

Perfectionism often shows up in everyday life in ways that don't look like perfectionism at first.

It's not always about wanting everything to be perfect. Sometimes it's about avoiding mistakes, wanting to get things right, worrying about how others perceive you, or feeling like what you've done isn't quite good enough.

What if you're a perfectionist and don't even know it?

I recently joined an RSD (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) workbook book club, and one of the topics that came up was perfectionism. It got me curious, so I decided to do a little research.

I always thought perfectionism meant wanting and expecting everything you do to be perfect. I've never really considered myself a perfectionist. I know nothing is perfect. Perfect doesn't exist, and there's always room for something to be better. How can I be a perfectionist?

But what I read surprised me. I started recognizing some of my own patterns and realized that perfectionism can look very different from what I had always assumed.

Trying hard to avoid mistakes, worrying about how others perceive you, being afraid of criticism or feeling ashamed when you get something wrong can all be expressions of perfectionism.

I hadn't thought about those things in that way before.

As someone with ADHD, I can also see how some of my childhood experiences may have contributed to these patterns. Growing up feeling like I was missing things, getting things wrong, or not quite meeting expectations can shape how you learn to navigate the world. Over time, I became very good at anticipating what might draw criticism and doing everything I could to avoid the feelings that came with it.

That anticipation turned into behaviors like over-preparing, checking and rechecking, trying to prevent mistakes, people-pleasing, or feeling disproportionately distressed when someone points out an error, not only in childhood into adulthood.

As you read this post, I invite you to get curious about how perfectionism might show up in your everyday life. It isn't always about wanting things to be perfect.

Sometimes it's about avoiding the discomfort, judgment, embarrassment, or shame that comes with making a mistake.

You might recognize more of yourself than you expect.

Everyday signs of perfectionism

1. Difficulty getting started

• Waiting until you have enough time to do something properly.

• Feeling like you need to know exactly how to do something before beginning.

• Putting off a task because you aren't sure you'll do it well.

• Researching and planning instead of taking the first step.

2. Difficulty finishing

• Constantly tweaking something that is already good enough.

• Rewriting emails or messages several times.

• Having trouble deciding when something is finished.

• Feeling dissatisfied even after completing something successfully.

3. All-or-nothing thinking

• If you can't do the whole workout, you don't do any of it.

• If the house can't be completely cleaned, why bother?

• Missing one day of a habit and feeling like you've failed.

• Thinking that something is either a success or a failure, with little room in between.

4. Being overly self-critical

• Focusing on what you did wrong instead of what went well.

• Replaying conversations and worrying about what you should have said.

• Feeling embarrassed about small mistakes.

• Dismissing compliments or accomplishments because you could have done better.

5. Difficulty making decisions

• Spending too much time comparing options.

• Worrying you'll make the wrong choice.

• Wanting reassurance before committing.

• Feeling responsible for making the best possible decision rather than a reasonable one.

6. Overpreparing

• Spending hours preparing for something that requires much less preparation.

• Feeling uncomfortable showing up unless you've anticipated every possibility.

• Making extensive lists, plans, or systems but struggling to use them.

• Feeling like you can never be prepared enough.

7. Difficulty asking for help or delegating

• Thinking it's easier to do everything yourself.

• Feeling uncomfortable when someone does something differently.

• Worrying that asking for help makes you look incapable.

• Rechecking someone else's work.

8. In relationships

• Worrying about saying the wrong thing.

• Replaying conversations and analyzing how you came across.

• Feeling responsible for keeping everyone happy.

• Having difficulty expressing needs because you don't want to upset someone.

• Expecting yourself to respond perfectly in emotionally difficult situations.

9. At work

• Spending too much time on details that don't matter much.

• Avoiding opportunities because you don't feel qualified enough.

• Having trouble sharing work until it feels completely finished.

• Taking feedback very personally.

• Feeling that your work represents your worth or competence.

Perfectionism and ADHD

There can be an interesting relationship between ADHD and perfectionism.

Sometimes perfectionism develops as a way to compensate for executive functioning challenges or years of criticism.

For example:

• If you have trouble remembering things, you may feel you need elaborate systems to avoid mistakes.

• If you've been criticized for being disorganized, you may feel pressure to keep everything looking organized.

• If you struggle with follow-through, you may set unrealistically high expectations to compensate.

• If you've experienced repeated mistakes or disappointments, you may become afraid of making another one.

This can create a difficult cycle:

The perfectionism cycle

High expectations

Fear of making mistakes or not measuring up

Avoidance, procrastination, or overpreparing

Things don't get done or take much longer

Self-criticism and renewed pressure to do better

You might consider:

• What does good enough look like to you?

• How do you decide when something is finished?

• What happens when you make a mistake?

• What do you worry might happen if you don't do something perfectly?

• Where do you find yourself spending more time or energy than a task really requires?

• What would you do differently if you allowed yourself to be imperfect?

• How do your expectations of yourself compare with what you expect of other people?

Perfectionism isn't the same as having high standards. High standards can motivate and support us. Perfectionism becomes problematic when the fear of not meeting those standards interferes with starting, finishing, enjoying, or participating in life.